Dear you.

Dear Eugene, Oregon Alpha Male Type who honked at me extensively when I didn't leave an opening for you to illegally cut through four lanes of traffic on a one-way:
Please rest assured that when I am a public schoolteacher I will corrupt your children with my liberal values, ensuring that none of them can possibly grow up to be as aggressive and shortsighted and compassionless as yourself. Thanks for the motivation, buddy!
Love,
Nilly

Dear angry young couple downstairs,
Please, for your sanity and the well-being of every other person within auditory range of your apartment, politely refrain from behaving as though every second of your homelife is being taped for an episode of Jerry Springer. Or if it in fact is, at least hire me to make a cameo appearance dressed as a drunken white-trash neighbor who wears a tubetop and sweatpants and shouts winning lines such as "GIVE HIM THE CHAIR! THE CHAIR!" and "OH NO YOU DIT-INT!"
I mean, I could sure use the money and I think I could add an extra dash of trash to your already impressive repertoire, if only you'd give me the chance. But preferably, since I am a drama class dropout and all, I think you should just tone it down: watch some Seinfeld and make smoothies, listen to "All You Need is Love" on repeat, eat fiber regularly, maybe volunteer at an animal shelter together. Or, you know, you could break up your disturbing relationship so all of us could get a little more sleep at night.
Sincerely,
Your neighbor, Nilly